mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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