oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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