Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
