my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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