Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
a search helicopter?!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
