she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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