Joe is yelling at the trees again.
we made out on top of his cat.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
