so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
