you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
