I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am midnight drunk by noon
My pussy is not your playground.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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