When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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