I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
we should paint friendship bongs
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