I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
