There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
