did you get engaged???
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
should my penis look like a turkey
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
