How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
