Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
