You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
