So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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