I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
