I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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