woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
