He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
