new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Let's paint friendship bongs
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
