somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
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I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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