just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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