TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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