What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
