why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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