Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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