new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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