when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
