ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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