I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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