I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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