i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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