Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
