Is it normal to miss your booty call?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
