Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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