I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
