There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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