last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
