Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
