I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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