Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
