i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
