you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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