How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
