I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
