Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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