just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
