If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
