It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
