dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
