I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
