: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
